ELPHABA: I’m through accepting limits
’cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
I started this blog awhile ago, and then left it. I felt as though it had to be perfect, one part Jane Austen and one part Nora Ephron. Until I realized those two women were really great at being Jane and Nora, but neither was very good at being Amanda. For a good portion of my life I lived in the shadow of self-doubt, believing I was meant for something great but convinced I was somehow unworthy of it. I became an expert on making everyone else good while I was trapped in this wicked circle of limitations.
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I’ve faced my fair share of tornados, the kind that rip your soul from it’s foundations. As a woman of my age, I have loved and been loved in return, both given and lost. I’m currently facing a major life change. After being married for 16 years to someone with a mental illness, I’ve decided to stop being a caretaker, and become someone who cares for herself.
I’d sooner try
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down.
Like many women before and after my time, I have experienced the violence of being a woman in a man’s world. I found myself struggling to prove my worth by standards designed to disprove my value. I’ve sometimes been accused of riding the broomstick of bitterness in the wake of tragedy. I’ve lived through personal tragedy like sexual abuse, rape and domestic violence as well as serving in the military and as an Emergency Medical Technician, all of which have contributed to my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor and I have a story to tell to anyone who’s willing to listen.
So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
“Ev’ryone deserves the chance to fly!”
This isn’t a blog about tragedy or dwelling on my past mistakes, I’ve shed enough tears. And it isn’t to say that my life wasn’t filled with grand adventures or major accomplishments, there were those too. As someone said of me recently, when I set my mind to something it happens, almost as if by magic! But for those who are privileged to peer behind the curtain, nothing in my life happened by magic- blood. sweat and tears were shed. But if you knew me, you’d know that my strength, my determination, and my passion is what helps me defy gravity.
And if I’m flying solo
At least I’m flying free
To those who’d ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
I’m flying high
Lyrics from “Defying Gravity” by Stephen Schwartz 2003 Wicked the Musical
So the structure of this blog will be simple. I’ve promised myself I’d write at least every other day. I want to absorb what I’ve learned, hear from you about your take on issues we all face, and hopefully share a few laughs! Here is how it will look, although it could change.
Soulful Sunday- I’m a gatherer or a spiritual seeker. Every Sunday I want to have a conversation about how you and I feed our souls. Maybe it’s through an organized religion, maybe it’s through a connection with nature, maybe it’s by doing something creative. However you feed your soul- I hope you’ll share in mine.
Mindful Monday- I’ve spent a long time doing for others above and beyond what I do for myself. That’s not healthy! So on Mondays I’m going to find a way to do something just for me. I learned years ago as an EMT never to run to the scene of an accident… not that helping others isn’t an urgent priority, but if you get hurt you can’t help others. So by giving to myself I can better give to others.
Work through it Wednesday- I’m in the midst of some major life changes. I’ve recently graduated from college at age 46, going through a divorce, and potentially moving out of state. Plus I suffer from PTSD, which is a daily struggle to overcome. Life is not always easy, and sometimes I need to document the struggle. Not for the purposes of succumbing to the negativity or depression, but to find a way to work through it. I might start a diet, exercise routine, or new project and need advice or support. You might find inspiration or give some advice to help me through it. Only light can dispell the darkness, but the darkness has to be known.
Food and Fun Friday- Fridays are going to be dedicated to fun. I’m always having to push myself out of the house to overcome my PTSD urge to isolate. It may be something big like going to a concert, photographing a special event or seeing a play. Or it might be something small like cooking myself a special meal. If you are one of those people who are annoyed by Facebook or Instagram photos of people’s meals… avoid Fridays on this blog! Okay, I have to confess that I love to cook almost as much as I love photography. So Fridays may be the time that I post photos of really great meals! Sorry if it makes anyone hungry! I think Fridays will be heavy on the photography as it is my passion!
So that’s where this blog is headed. I hope you’ll join me for the journey. I want to bring abundance, positivity, love and success into my life. I plan on defying gravity as often as possible.